Going Good So Far

So what's up? How's it been going? I've basically been a hermit crab and I've been avoiding all social contact with anyone other than person to person.

It's kind of depressing, I guess. I think I've forgotten what it's like to feel someone close to you. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. I feel like crying, because I know I've cut the tethers that hold me to people.

They ask me where I've gone, why I haven't answered texts, why I haven't returned calls. And the only reply I have for this, is that I just don't feel like it anymore.

I'm unwilling to admit this, but I feel like I've just lost everything. All emotion that I have for everything. In person I might seem happy, but I think deep down inside, I stopped caring for everything. I hear myself talking to friends and family, but it doesn't feel like me. It's as if I've just faking the past few months ever since December of 2015. I don't know what happened, but something in me snapped, and it's like my existence is reluctant to find out what happened.

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But enough of that, I feel like I'm contradicting myself. Because I had originally planned to just write out what's going on in my life in order to vent out emotions, and situations, and all that. But you know, without spilling my beans.

But whatever. Wow I suck, like I really suck at this right now.

Well, let's finally move on, before I get sucked into a never ending whirlpool of my own self pity.

Me leaving behind my bullshit

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So school has been fine. I have high enough grades to get into a dream job that I currently want. I want to pursue a course in Accountancy or in Law. I like criminal law, but being a lawyer seems more intriguing and complex.

Also my personal life has been ok too. My little sister just currently lost a tooth, and I find it adorable every time she smiles. She was so worried when the tooth became loose in her mouth, and she even cried when she was telling me. 

My school life has gotten better, my crush has been himself, and right now I don't even consider him my crush. I see it as a platonic friendship right now, and I admire him for being able to keep up with my bullshit.

I have made many new friends actually, but I feel selfish for saying that I just don't feel emotionally together with any of them.

Like not one of them, I would be able to confide in, they're merely just a bunch of random people to fill my school life with.

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On the other hand, one person has decided to engulf me with her past.

She had basically told me her life story.

2 years ago, her life basically just became a shit storm of bullying, obesity, sexuality confusions, and family trouble.

I have only known this person for about a month, and we haven't exchanged numbers, or any social media. I'm not sure she even knows how to spell my name, maybe she doesn't even know my name.

But basically, she was over 300 pounds last year, and now she is currently 150ish. And I admire her so much. I see myself in her, but the only difference is, I can tell she's really smiling now.

Then she was bullied for her weight, and then she made some bad choices, then she met her lesbian "lover". And then her parents broke up, and this girl had no one other than her "lover".

Miraculously, this girl survived. No amount of bullying had caused her to give in as I had. She makes me want to keep living, she makes me feel as if I can do it.

It being, survive.

I feel as if I have a limited number of connections, and every time I speak, those connections fade. I say the wrong things, I say the things no one wants to hear.

But oh well...

I think that's enough ranting coming from me today. All I want to do is listen to music and write some more sappy blog entries in hopes of finding the answer to my despair.

Good Luck, and See Ya Next Time.